It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
