I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize