My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
