The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
