Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
