Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
