Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I can't put those talents on a resume
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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