this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
