so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
