I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize