Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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