My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
