dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
