He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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