Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
