im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
