My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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