I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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