If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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