??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
