38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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