fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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