Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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