cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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