sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
