I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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