I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
