remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Someone came in the potted fern
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
