I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
