I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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