I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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