captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
A+ Viking dick
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize