My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I smell like Dick and happiness
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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