the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
