Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
