You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I need a burrito and a hug.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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