i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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