i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
