enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
