Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
