Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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