I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
