I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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