my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
