did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
