I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
