Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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