After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
