Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
