I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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