i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
