remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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