Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
