i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
