Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We're too hungover to prance.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I pour the whiskey from now on
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
