my phone needs a breathalizer
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
