I just threw up on my dentist
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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