I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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