I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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