I must be too annoying 4 u.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
