Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
